We haven’t done a Dog Profile in a while, and the remaining dogs are feeling slighted. So, here’s the Pivot Questionnaire filled out by Negão, our oldest gentleman. We don’t know his exact age—thirteen or fourteen, most likely—because we got him when he was already big. Negão spent his young life chained to a mango tree. So, when we got him, he was prone to biting people. With us he has always been a sweetheart. (I trust him more than I do Oscar.) But with strangers, Negão is a “red-zone dog,” which is what the National Geographic Dog Whisperer guy calls dogs that pose a danger to people and other animals. Because of his temper with everyone outside of our immediate family, we’ve always had to walk Negão on a leash (unlike our other dogs, who roam free) and keep him in a kennel with a dog run. Also, he is Lorenzo’s father! (But they have a strained relationship.)
Full name: Negão
Nick-names: Neguinho, Nego
Pivot questionnaire:
1. What is your favorite word? Walk
2. What is your least favorite word? Oscar
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? A stranger’s upper arm. My teeth sink in so nicely there.
4. What turns you off? My kennel.
5. What is your favorite curse word? Why curse when I can bite?
6. What sound or noise do you love? The sound of my extendable leash being clipped to my collar.
7. What sound or noise do you hate? The sound of Oscar traipsing around outside my kennel, peeing on my turf.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Airline pilot. Sushi chef.
9. What profession would you not like to do? Monk. Cosmetologist.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? ‘Negão, no more gates or doors or leashes for you. Oscar, on the other hand, is tied up out back.’
We continue our Pivot Questionnaire with Luna, our sole female and mercurial super-model.
Full name: Luna de Pontes Peebles
Nick-names: Pepa-Lee, Beba, Nega-Lee
Pivot questionnaire:
1. What is your favorite word? Luna.
2. What is your least favorite word? This is boring. I’m totally bored. How many questions are left?
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? My shampoo. It’s made for sensitive skin. It really brings out the lovely shine in my coat.
4. What turns you off? Boring questions. Other dogs. People.
5. What is your favorite curse word? A lady doesn’t curse. I prefer throwing my cell phone. It’ s much more effective.
6. What sound or noise do you love? I have a lovely bark. People tell me this all the time.
7. What sound or noise do you hate? The sound of your boring questions.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I don’t work and never will darling.
9. What profession would you not like to do? Ugh, are we DONE yet?
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Pearly gates? Those sound hideous. Anyone with any class would use platinum.
We continue our Pivot Pivot Questionnaire with Oscar, our Alpha Male and temperamental hunk.
Full name: Oscar de Pontes Peebles
Nick-names: Oscarito, Oscar Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Chico da Bucha
Pivot questionnaire:
1. What is your favorite word? “Bora!” Let’s go [for a walk, carride, etc.]!
2. What is your least favorite word? Bath
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Part of me says: Intimidation. The other part: Loyalty.
4. What turns you off? Weakness.
5. What is your favorite curse word? I don’t need to curse to show my displeasure. I just stare.
6. What sound or noise do you love? Whining in submission.
7. What sound or noise do you hate? Whining in submission.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Prison guard.
9. What profession would you not like to do? Camp counselor.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Oscar, let’s go rough up those saps in purgatory.
We continue our Doggie Pivot Questionnaire with Leopoldo, our retired gentleman, big-boned boy, and escape artist.
Full name: Leopoldo de Pontes Peebles
Nick-names: Le-Leu, Gordo, Houdini
Pivot questionnaire:
1. What is your favorite word? Cama (bed)
2. What is your least favorite word? “Castration” and “Collar”
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? A chest rub.
4. What turns you off? My abusive father, Oscar.
5. What is your favorite curse word? After my operation, I never curse. Anger doesn’t interest me.
6. What sound or noise do you love? The sound of my collar slipping off.
7. What sound or noise do you hate? The click of a collar around my neck.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Escape artist. Or founder of a nudist colony.
9. What profession would you not like to do? Long-distance swimmer.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? “Le-Leu, here are your testes back. Go forth and procreate, my son.”
One of our mother pigs, Iracema, gave birth to 6 healthy piglets. Iracema got so big during her pregnancy we though 20 piglets would be born, but sometimes less is more; these 6 pigs will not have to compete with a dozen other siblings for their mother’s milk. We have 5 mother pigs on the farm: Mona II, Julieta II, Serena (aka Crazy Eyes), Iracema, and Clara. Our stud is named Barto. He’s a big guy who likes getting his ears scratched. We have brushes outside of each of our pig pens, so we can rub the pigs’ backs and bellies. Most of the pigs like this brushing business; some just squirm and squeal. Our pigs are a mix of Lean variety and Landrasse (or Landrace). The Landrace breed was developed in Denmark by crossing the native pig with the Large White. Danes refused to export live pigs until World War II, when the best specimens of the breed were exported to Sweden. The progeny from these pigs eventually reached England and Ireland. According to the online Encyclopedia Britannica, Landrace pigs have “white skin” and are a “lop-eared pig with a long middle, light forequarters, and excellent ham development.”
Outside of our 5 mother pigs and Barto, we have 19 pigs for “engorda” or fattening. These pigs are fed a combination of grains, fruits, greens, sugar cane, and banana tree trunks multiple times a day. We will harvest the engorda pigs for hams, and eventually prosciutto and sausages. I got the term “harvest” from Barbara Kingsolver’s book, “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.” I like the term “harvest” as opposed to other terms like “kill” or “butcher.” Not because “harvest” sounds prettier — these pigs will be killed and we will eat their meat, and there is no way to deny or obfuscate this fact. To me, the term “harvest” implies that care was taken in raising these animals. That their deaths are part of a longer process, and that they lived well during each stage of their development.
We have administered the Pivot Questionnaire to all of the dogs on the farm, and will be posting their responses. We start with Lorenzo, our “red guy” and resident deviant. Lorenzo is a lover, not a fighter.
Full name: Lorenzo Negrini Peebles
Nick-names: Loura, Louro
Pivot questionnaire:
1. What is your favorite word? Almoço (Lunch)
2. What is your least favorite word? Banho (Bath)
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Rolling in horse manure after a bath.
4. What turns you off? Oscar (the alpha dog) beating me up.
5. What is your favorite curse word? I don’t curse. I just bite.
6. What sound or noise do you love? The sound of licking (myself, of course)
7. What sound or noise do you hate? The water hose
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Gigolo
9. What profession would you not like to do? Accountant
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? “Louro, here are your 40 virgin-bitches. And Oscar will be locked out and forced to watch.”
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